Fresh start

Just as Allah forgives our sins and we are allowed to make a fresh start I too feel that all the old posts that were in here no longer define me . Who I have become , what my journey is all about . I was for the past 4  years in an obsession it seems it sucked me in for a long time. When I look at that figure it seems so big I feel like I spent lifetimes in moments of impatient waiting for the wedding to unfold to love freely and all that someone in love wants to do. And I don't understand the hikmah of the events that have unfolded but I understand this that in the scheme of things it's only a fragment of His Plan . All I know is that I have well and truly stopped worshipping humans . Whether it be one of few . Humans are my ijil just like Bani Israel had their ijil which was a golden cow its love consumed them to the point where the lines of right and wrong were blurred. 

What can I say the story hits home . Good thing for me Allah didn't cause me to die in that state of haram I was in . I'm not gonna deny that I learned too I gained too . Whatever khair was meant to come way came . I carry it forward but what I don't carry forward are the memories . I refuse to. I choose to make new ones I choose to move on . I embrace the pain that comes with it but the way I see it I have a new lease on life Alhamdulillah . Pain is inconvient yes but it's not without meaning sometimes are growth comes after pain our healing only starts after pain . I used to run from pain to the point where it would make me want to tear at my limbs and scream bloody murder . I have glimpses of those nights . Where nothing made sense some have seen me though those dark nights and days... I was Shaitans puppet like so many others . And now I feel like his hold on me has lessened I can concentrate on my salah I can talk to Allah anytime of the day with a kind of love and conviction that I have seldom had in the past few years . I love Allah and it's like all other people seem to fade away in importance like I'm actively preparing for some steps that because of my weak eeman I was too scared to accomplish and I'm like why not ?  What can someone possibly do to me now when Allah is by my side and every so often a sign comes with someone boosting my morale but best of all a kind of sanity prevails I'm closer to my parents like they have really been there for me and I'm truly appreciative of that now . There are days when I feel a wave of gratitude wash over my entire being for how privileged I am. subhanAllah . So I'm not at a loss Alhamdulillah . What did I lose ? When I gained so much . I don't remember ever making so much dua as I made for this thing and I know without a doubt Allah heard me . So for Him to still not give it to me is a huge sign that He loves me and didn't choose for me to be in any kind of pain so He didn't give it and I can only  hope that the answer is I will give you something better is round the corner cos the prospect of yes and later got taken away and quite suddenly it kind of hurt well a lot but SubhanAllah I'm not at a loss of any kind . And I used to think it as the biggest catastrophe of all time . Boy was I wrong . 

So here's to a new beginning , minus the heartache and confusion In Shaa Allah . So happy nervous excited and sleepy . Alhamdulillah .